Find Our Way Through the Dark
by KateNighthawke
Summary: When Emma becomes pregnant, she and Killian are surprised by how easy it is to just give in and be together and by how happy they can be despite their lifetimes of damage. But when Emma loses the baby, they have to figure out how to go on together. They have to fight their inner demons to keep their still new relationship intact. Set in Storybrooke in the near future. CS
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, this is my first try at Once Upon a Time fanfiction. It's a serious bummer fic. I have the whole story basically planned out, but not written yet; I wanted to see if anyone was interested in this at all. It starts out really sad, but will not end that way. If you like it, let me know, and I'll keep going.**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

They hadn't planned it. Not even a little. But when they realized what they'd done, there was less fear than either of them would have ever guessed. It started one morning in bed. Killian woke up to find Emma staring thoughtfully at the ceiling.

"What is it, Love?" he asked rolling on his side to study her more closely, running his hand over her neck and shoulders.

She turned to face him, a somewhat perplexed look on her face. "Don't freak out, but I was just thinking about it, and I think… I might be… pregnant."

"What?" he asked in a whisper, instinctively keeping their secret. "Why do you think that?" he asked with a quiet sort of wonder; looking over her body to see if something might be visibly different.

She sighed a little, lost in thought, "Well, there are a couple of things that I can't really put my finger on. I just think I _feel_ pregnant. It's been a long time since I was pregnant with Henry, but I think I remember this feeling." She paused, trying pull memories from a lifetime ago. She closed her eyes and moved her hand to her lower abdomen. It was at that moment that a spark lit inside of Killian and his breath caught in wonder. He was working up the nerve to reach out and place his hand on top of hers when she continued. "I was trying to think about when my last period was. Why don't I keep better track of that?" She opened her eyes to look at him, and her eyes narrowed slightly. "You're happy?" She asked, surprised, but not displeased.

He finally worked up the nerve to put his hand over hers on her stomach. "I haven't really thought about it," he started. "I mean of course I hoped we'd have one someday, but I just can't believe it." He leaned in and kissed her. "A baby," he said in awe.

A smile washed over her face. "Now don't go getting excited yet. I should take a test first."

"Are you pleased, my love?" he asked with a small prick of worry.

"I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around it honestly, but you're right, I think we both knew we were going to get here eventually. I'm just stunned that it happened now. I mean, we'll have to find someplace else to live. We can't have us, Henry, my parents and TWO babies in the loft…" She trailed off before looking him in the eye "But yeah, I'm 'pleased'." She smiled at him before leaning in for a kiss.

"Then let's go find one of those tests," he said, starting to pull himself up out of bed.

"Not quite yet." She said pulling him back down on top of her and kissing him thoroughly.

* * *

The test, of course, was positive, and the two lovers weren't able to keep the secret long. Within a week, her mother cornered them in the kitchen one night after they'd spent the whole evening quietly wrapped up in their little secret. It wasn't difficult for her to get it out of them. Honestly, they were excited to tell her.

The only problem was that once Snow knew, they were aware that they only had a short time to tell Henry before he found out through the town gossip mill. Snow would tell Red and Red would tell the whole town. When they told Henry, he took the news in stride. Like his mother, he was surprised, but also pleased.

As the town became aware, most were surprised, but no one had anything negative to say about it. They all cared for Emma and recent months had already cemented Killian's place in her life as far as the town was concerned. Not that it would have mattered to Emma or Killian. They were in their own bubble of love, mostly unaware of the fact that the whole town was watching them.

Ultimately, it was with an uncharacteristically quiet sort of joy that they moved forward, preparing for their new arrival. When she was around three months pregnant, the loft across the hall opened up. They decided that would be the perfect solution to Emma's desire to be near her parents and their need for space and privacy.

As time passed, they began to settle into their new little life together. The town had been mostly quiet for the first time since either of them had been there, and they used the reprieve to learn how to be a regular couple. They went shopping together and picked out paint samples for their new home. They were so happy that they almost forgot the lifetimes of loneliness they each carried with them.

In her second trimester, Emma's body began to change rapidly. A small bump formed low in her abdomen and as far as Killian was concerned, it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He just couldn't stop touching it. Emma teased him that he was further handicapping himself. With one hand long since lost, and the other glued to her stomach, he would have a hard time helping out at the Sheriff's station. Killian just smiled contentedly because he knew it was a small price to pay.

Once they entered the third trimester, they settled into a comfortable sort of domesticity. Emma had to pull back from work at the Sheriff's station somewhat. She was relegated to desk duty which she didn't much mind, although she found it boring. It was getting harder for her to move around. The difference between 17 and 32 was never quite as apparent to her as when she thought about all of the aches and pains she had at 32 that she didn't even remember from when she was a teenager.

She had a wonderful support system though. David had been very obliging in taking as many of the calls and patrols as he could manage while Killian did everything he could to keep her comfortable. He brought her lunch every day and rubbed her back every night. If she felt the physical pain more this time around, she certainly didn't feel the emotional pain she felt when she was pregnant with Henry. Where she had once felt lonely and abandoned, she instead felt surrounded by love. Where she once felt the heartbreak of inadequacy, she instead felt the optimism of expected parenthood. She felt ready to rise to the occasion in a way that she hadn't expected.

* * *

It was during a quiet night in her eighth month of pregnancy that it all fell apart. Killian was asleep with his head buried in her hair, and his hand placed securely on its new favorite spot. He knew as soon as he awoke that something was very wrong. Emma let out a small scream while clutching her belly on either side of his hand..

"Emma? Are you okay?" he asked stupidly as panic filled his chest. Whatever was wrong, he could tell she was not okay.

Emma started hyperventilating and crying. "The baby. Oh god. We have to go to the hospital." Making an attempt to pull herself together, she took a breath and threw back the comforter. Killian saw that everything looked normal and confusion filled him. "What's the matter, Love?" he asked trying to understand. "Is the baby coming already?" Somehow he knew it wasn't that. She was too upset.

Emma looked at him with anguish and shook her head. "I can't feel him!" she cried. Closing her eyes and concentrating as she focused all of her energy toward the baby. "He hasn't been moving tonight like he normally does, so I tried to find him with my magic, and he's not there anymore. I don't feel him!"

Dread filled Killian's heart. She'd been able to feel the baby's presence inside of her with her magic for almost as long as she'd known she was pregnant. "Are you sure, Love? Maybe you just can't focus because you're upset?" He asked a little desperately.

She looked at him like he'd just thrown her a life preserver while she was lost at sea. "Maybe!" She said and immediately closed her eyes and tried again. When she opened her eyes again, she'd lost her momentary spark. "No" she sobbed, "I don't think that's it." she curled in a protective ball around her belly, trying to keep the baby safe.

The sight of it kicked Killian into gear. "I'm going to get your parents up to drive us to the hospital so we can have the doctors take a look. I'll be back in one minute, love." With that, he kissed her and jumped out of bed. He ran out of the room. He ran down the stairs that lead to their room and ran across the hall and knocked loudly on the door. Cringing when he heard Neal start to cry.

Any annoyance on David's face melted at the sight of the beleaguered pirate. "What's wrong?" he asked with worry crossing his brow.

"Something's wrong. We have to get Emma to the hospital. Can you drive?" He got to the point quickly. He needed to get back to her.

"Let me grab my keys," David said as he was already turning back into the loft.

"I'm going to go get her!" Killian shouted over his shoulder, running back to Emma.

When he made it back to their room, he saw she was still in bed, still curled around the baby. "Emma," he said as he pulled his fingers through her hair. ""Your father's going to take us to the hospital. Can you get up, Love?"

The look of anguish she leveled him with was enough to knock him to the ground. "He's gone Killian. He's gone."

"Let me help you," he said reaching for her. He put one arm under her knees and the other behind her shoulders and picked her up. "Let's go to the hospital and see what the doctors say. Maybe it's not what you think." He needed to believe that there was hope so he could stay strong for her. During the last 8 months modern medicine had become a lifeline to him as it constantly eased his worries over even the most minute details of this pregnancy. She stayed silent as he carried down the stairs.

As he walked back out of the loft, he saw Mary Margaret standing in the hall. "David's bringing the truck around," she said.

Killian thanked her as he ran by.

* * *

The drive to the hospital felt too quiet after the flurry of activity it took to get there. The only sound was Emma's quiet sobs into his neck.

"What happened?" David finally broke the silence.

Killian was rubbing his hand over Emma's arms and body, rocking her slightly and hoping to god he was offering some kind of comfort to her. "I don't know, she just woke up like this." He said as he began to make little shushing noises into her hair. Trying desperately to hold himself together.

"I can't feel the baby," Emma said into Killian's chest. "I've always been able to feel him. I think he's gone."

The words were enough to push Killian over the edge and he began to cry silently into her hair. David clenched his jaw and drove a little faster.

When they arrived at the hospital, Killian had to be shaken to his senses before he remembered to put Emma on the bed. Somehow it felt like if he just kept holding her, none of the things that were ahead for them that night could come.

When the doctor entered the room, Killian was relieved to see that it wasn't Dr. Whale. He didn't want Emma to have to deal with Dr. Whale's questionable bedside manner, but it sometimes felt like he was the only doctor in town.

This doctor was a woman, Killian wasn't listening when she told them her name. She was very gentle when she spoke to Emma. She quickly pulled out the ultrasound equipment began her examination. After 5 minutes of silence, she looked genuinely remorseful when she told them there was nothing to be done. "I'm sorry, Emma. I there's no heartbeat. He's gone."

Emma let out a sob and Killian lost his ability to control himself as the finality of the statement passed over him. He cried and pushed his face into Emma's hair. Hugging her as close as he could while not actually crawling in bed with her. He'd known how this would go since Emma had first said it. He knew better than to ignore her magic. But there had been the smallest hope inside of him that the answers laid in science which sometimes seemed even more powerful than magic in this realm.

"Why did this happen?" He heard Emma ask before the question had even occurred to him.

The doctor sighed sympathetically. "There are a lot of reasons why this can happen. It's hard to say what the reason is now. We'll examine the baby once you've delivered and hopefully we'll have some answers for you then."

Emma gave an agonized cry and held her stomach. "No," Emma protested though she knew it was futile. "I can't go through labor."

"Emma, I'm sorry, but there's no other way. We have to get the baby out of you." The doctor was gentle, but firm.

"I can't do it," Emma sobbed. "I need my Mom." As if on cue, Mary Margaret ran through the doors.

"Ruby gave me a ride. Granny's watching Neal. What can I do to help?" She asked, getting straight to business.

"I think Emma needs you to hold her hand, we're going to admit her to the hospital and induce labor," the doctor told Mary Margaret while giving her a meaningful look.

"Okay Emma, I'm right here," Mary Margaret said in a soothing tone and she lifted her daughter's arm and twined their hands together.

Killian was already holding the other hand, but following Mary Margaret's lead, he leaned in closer. "We're all right here with you Love." He said, kissing her temple.

"Do you want me to send the anesthesiologist in to give you an epidural?" the doctor asked.

"No," Emma said firmly. "It's my pain, and I'll feel it."

"Okay Emma, this could take up to 24 hours, sometimes longer. I'll send a nurse in to start your IVs." With that, the doctor exited the room. With the doctor gone, and only her family around her, Emma fell back into a the bed and just wept.

* * *

Mercifully, it didn't take 24 hours for her delivery to progress. They gave her the medication at around 11 PM and she was in active labor about 5 hours later. They all barely said a word while they waited. Killian and Snow each held one of her hands while David stood watching like a silent sentinel.

When the doctor said it was time to push Emma broke down. "Please," she begged, "I can't do it."

Killian knew that he had to step up. She needed him to help her be strong. He kissed the side of her head and wished he had a second hand to wipe her tears. "It's okay, Love. I'm here for you. Every part of me belongs to you. Take my strength and all of my love now."

Snow reached up and wiped her tears. "We've got you Emma and you can get through this." They held Emma's hands as a contraction hit her hard.

"Okay, push Emma," the doctor said while waiting to catch the baby. "Good girl," she said as Emma bore down.

"You're doing good," Said Mary Margaret.

A quiet "I love you," whispered in her ear was all Killian could muster.

Much before any of them were ready for it, the doctor was holding the tiny baby in her hands. "It's a little boy Emma. I'm sorry, he's not breathing. Would you like to see him?" she asked gently.

"Yes please," Emma said, sounding like there was no fight left in her at all. The doctor wrapped up the little baby and placed him on Emma's chest and Killian was astounded by how beautiful he was. His small face was serene, like a sleeping angel.

"He's perfect," Emma said while counting his fingers and toes. "He looks like he should have been fine. Why did this happen? Was it me?" she asked, finally tearing her eyes away from her dead son.

The doctor held up a piece of the umbilical cord. Killian's stomach twisted as he saw a small knot. "The baby must a wriggled around in a way that he tied a knot in his cord. When the knot tightened I would have cut off his oxygen. It was quick and he probably didn't feel any pain. It would be just like falling asleep." She paused and looked and Killian and Emma, "I know this is hard, but there's nothing you could have done to prevent this. It's not genetic, It's not an infection. It's just bad luck."

When Emma just looked back at the baby without saying anything, the doctor went back to working on Emma and moving around the room.

"When Henry was born, I didn't hold him," Emma said quietly. "I knew if I held him, I'd never be able to let him go." She laid her hand across the baby and touched his small lips. He was so small. "How do I let this one go?" She asked no one and everyone. That was all Mary Margaret could handle. A sob burst out of her chest as she hugged her daughter fiercely.

Killian had been leaning quietly next to Emma the whole time. His attention alternately focused on the heartbreak that was radiating off of his love and thinking about what a fine lad they would have had.

All at once Emma seemed to reign herself in. She moved back behind the walls he'd once hoped to never see again. He was grateful for them now if they helped her go on from this terrible moment. She looked at the doctor. "I'm ready," was all she said and the doctor came and took the baby from his place on her chest. "I'd like to go home now." She made it a statement, but Killian could hear the slight lilt of a plea behind it.

"We'd rather you stay the night Emma," the doctor said, but seeing that Emma was about to protest, held up a hand. "Medically, you should be okay to go home, but you'll be bleeding pretty heavily for the next several days. I'll get you some maternity pads."

Killian could see the gratitude in Emma's eyes. Before they flickered with another flash of anguish. "What'll you do with him?" she asked quietly.

The doctor spoke gently, almost like she was speaking to the baby himself. "We'll take him and get him cleaned up. Then we'll wrap him up and the funeral parlor will come to take him. They'll take care of him and call you tomorrow." Killian could hear the promise behind the words. _We've got him, _she was saying. "Does he have a name?" the doctor asked gently. They hadn't discussed names yet. Emma said they had to wait until they met him so they'd know what he was like. Killian felt all of the anguish of that. They'd never know.

"Liam," Killian said after he could see Emma struggling. "After my brother." He touched his hand to Emma's cheek. "That way, if there's an afterlife, my brother will know he's family and look out for him."

Emma nodded. "Liam Jones," She agreed.

* * *

The ride home was silent. The sun was already shining through the trees at the edge of town. It had taken a couple hours to get Emma discharged and they were all exhausted and emotionally drained. Killian could tell that Emma was only keeping herself moving out of pure force of will.

When they arrived home, Granny was waiting out in the hall for them. She pulled them each in for a short hug before heading out. Granny wasn't one for sentimentality, and in that moment Killian appreciated it. He didn't think he or Emma could take much more emotion that night.

Snow held her daughter for just a moment and rocked her gently back and forth. "Do you want me to come stay with you?" she asked gently into Emma's hair.

"No thanks, Mom. I think I just need some time alone. To process." With that, she turned to give David a hug. Drawing strength in from both of her parents.

Killian was somewhat startled when Snow pulled him in for a hug. "I'm sorry for your loss, Killian," She said quietly. "Thank you for being there for her tonight." She touched the side of his face and Killian was taken aback by the maternal way she was looking at him. This woman was physically the same age as him and actually about 200 years his junior, but in that moment, she was giving Killian something he really needed. It had been a very long time since he'd had a mother.

They were turning to go back into their apartment when David clasped his hand on Killian's shoulder and pulled him in for a quick, slightly awkward, embrace. "I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but you're a good guy Killian and you're good to my daughter."

With that, the two parties separated. Emma was walking painfully slowly through the dark apartment and Killian wanted to lift her up. He was sure that every step was agony on her sore body. When they reached the base of the steep stairs that led to their room, she stopped. Her pride taking a backseat. "Can you help me Killian?" she asked and he was at her side in an instant.

It wasn't graceful, but he got them up the stairs. He placed Emma on the bed, grateful that she'd already showered at the hospital and could go right to sleep. He looked down and her and pushed the hair off of her forehead. "Do you want me to go?" he asked quietly and with an ease he didn't feel.

Emma's brow furrowed. "No. Why?" she asked, clearly surprised.

"You told your mother that you wanted to be alone," he said quietly, not quite meeting her eyes.

Emma put her hand on his cheek and pulled his face up to look at her. "Alone with you," was all she said. She slid over in the bed and rolled onto her side. "Please just hold me for a while Killian." Not needing to be asked twice, Killian slid in behind her, realizing for the first time all night that he'd been out in public in his pajamas and without even his hook for protection.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her and at the same time, they both realized that his new favorite spot wasn't there anymore. The bump was gone. The baby was gone. The future that had been so sure just a few hours ago was gone. They cried together in the darkness of their bedroom for all they had lost that night.

* * *

**Okay, that was Chapter 1. Sorry for the super angst. It's just been in my head forever. I had to get it out.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey Everyone, this chapter got pretty long while I kept trying to get to a more hopeful place. I think I got to a good stopping point for this chapter, but failed at finding an upbeat ending. It's pretty much the opposite of that. Sorry. Anyway, if you're a glutton for tragedy, this is the place for you. If not, I do promise this is going to more hopeful places someday...**

* * *

**Ten Weeks Pregnant**

She was sitting on the couch with her legs crossed and her eyes closed (feeling somewhat ridiculous) when she felt it. Felt _him_. She gasped and opened her eyes to look down. As her concentration faded, so did the feeling, so she closed her eyes again and refocused on her task. She felt her magic humming inside of her; she felt it like a presence under her skin, as real as her bones. But in the middle of all that, there was something different; something distinctly not quite her.

The love that flowed through her in that moment was so intense that she almost worried that her magic would take out the lights again. It had only happened once before, but she definitely didn't want to relive that moment again. David's eyes going from worried to embarrassed as he realized just what had caused her to lose control of her magic. She imagined this situation was a bit different, though because she was focusing all of her love inward. A delighted smile crossed her face. It finally felt real to her.

The pregnancy so far had been mostly uneventful. If it hadn't been for the townspeople watching her, and Killian's almost constant presence at her side, she might almost forget she was even pregnant. But now there he was; her little baby. Just a little spark inside of her. She'd already learned to embrace her magic, but now she learned to love it, for allowing her to feel this little flickering presence inside of her. She smiled to herself as she redoubled her efforts to explore this newfound territory.

That was how Killian found her. With a quiet smile on her face and love radiating from her whole being. He felt sorry when he shut the door and startled her out of her thoughts. Damage already done, he finished walking to her and kissed her on the cheek before sitting next to her on the couch.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" she asked cheerfully, "I thought you were going to be at the station for the rest of the day."

"Aye, I was, but it was a slow day, and so David told me to come see if you need help in the endless search for new quarters." He paused for a moment before adding. "What had you looking so content when I came in?"

Emma looked slightly embarrassed as she said, "Well I'm not positive or anything, but I think…" she trailed off as she tried to come up with the words.

"You think what, love?" Killian prompted.

"I think maybe I felt the baby," she explained.

"What?" Killian asked with a slight touch of alarm, "It's much too early for that, isn't it?" He looked down at her stomach.

"Not physically. With my magic. I think I feel his spirit, or aura or maybe his little heart beating! The book I was reading said their hearts start beating around six weeks, so that could be it too!" Killian's own heart skipped a beat at the joy he saw in his love's face. But his focus was drawn to her words.

"He?" he asked tentatively.

Emma looked surprised. "Oh! I didn't even notice I was saying that. I'm not sure really, it feels like a "he", but the last time I was pregnant was with Henry so I might just think this one is a boy because the last one was…" She was rambling. It was adorable. Killian felt a wave of gratitude roll over him. He still couldn't believe that he was so lucky to be building a life with this amazing woman.

* * *

**Present Day**

Emma fell asleep within minutes of lying down; finally giving in to the exhaustion that had been radiating off of her for the past few hours. In the quiet room, Killian couldn't stop the thoughts that came to his mind. He stared at his love, asleep in his arms, and let the grief wash over him. Hadn't she had enough pain in her life? Enough loss? If either of them deserved for this to happen, he knew it was him. He'd spent hundreds of years with vengeance in his heart, and now he thought he could just flip a switch and turn all of his hate to love? To just move on from the pain he'd caused so many innocent people. He'd never done anything to earn the happiness he'd had for the past several months. Was Emma being punished for daring to attach her fate to his?

He shook his head in an effort to fight off the doubts that were filling it. He needed to get a grip. There was no time for him to spend feeling sorry for himself while his love was in pain.

But as soon as those thoughts flitted back into the recesses of his consciousness, more came to replace them. He realized how precarious his place in Emma's life had suddenly become. When he found out that she was carrying his child, he had felt a shifting of the ground they stood on. He'd intended to continue to pursue the idea of marriage with her, but it seemed less important with the baby coming. They were going to be connected forever. They were family now, and there was no going back. Or so he thought. Of course, they'd always be connected through their son, but the immediate need for him in her home was gone. He wondered if she would prefer to go back to the way things were before the baby; if she'd want him to move out.

These thoughts were quickly followed by overwhelming guilt about thinking of himself at a time like this. He'd seen his son's lifeless body only a few hours before, and he was now thinking of his own trivial worries. His boy would never have a life. He'd never smile. He'd never fall in love. Killian had lived enough for several lifetimes and his son hadn't even gotten one day. The unfairness of it all washed over him and left him feeling utterly impotent.

Killian lay in bed for hours with pain and doubt swirling around him. His only blessing was that Emma managed to sleep. Occasionally she would become slightly restless, but he'd rub his hand up and down her back, and she'd settle back against his chest. Eventually, his thoughts slowed, and he just lay there watching the gentle rise and fall of Emma's body as she breathed. At around 8 o'clock he decided it was time to get up. He'd decided to go pick up Henry early from his weekend camping with the Merry Men. He knew Emma would be comforted by the presence of her son.

He began to extricate himself from Emma's arms when she stirred. He rubbed her back and whispered, "Go back to sleep Love. I'm just going to collect Henry."

Without fully waking or opening her eyes, Emma shook her head. "Let him stay. I don't want to ruin his weekend."

"Love, I'm afraid that this will be rather big news in town and we don't want him to hear it through the grapevine." He said it gently and hoped she wouldn't be too upset to think about the town talking about her.

She cringed slightly into her pillow. "Yeah, you're right. I guess we can't avoid it." She sighed heavily and started to try to rise, but whimpered quietly and laid back down. "I don't think I can make it down there to get him myself." Killian knew she must be in pain is she was admitting defeat so quickly.

"No, don't worry Love, I'll get him. Can I get you anything before I go?" he leaned in and kissed her cheek gently as he asked.

She finally opened her eyes and looked at him. "Maybe just some water and aspirin?" she asked apologetically.

"Of course Love, anything you need." He was actually relieved that she asked him for something. He felt so helpless to do anything for her. He had no idea what she was going through. He had lost the baby too, but he knew it wasn't the same. Their son had been a part of her body. She'd felt his tiny kicks and his tiny soul. Killian's heart was broken for her and for himself.

He retrieved the medicine and the water, changed his clothes and left Emma with a kiss. He made his way out of the building and into the sleepy Saturday morning. The fresh air and brisk walk was actually doing him some good. His blood pumping gave him a small burst of energy that he hoped would help him make it through the coming day.

Walking up to the campsite, he saw Henry having breakfast with Regina and Robin Hood and Robin Hood's son, Roland. They were all smiling and laughing and Killian felt like the grim reaper, coming to ruin their fun time. Killian realized he must have looked as bad as he felt because when they looked up at him, he saw their faces shift from surprise to worry as he drew closer.

"Killian, is something wrong?" Henry asked before he had even fully entered the clearing.

"Aye Lad," Killian said solemnly as he reached the table.

Robin Hood took this as a queue to give them space. "Roland, let's you and me go get some more wood before that fire gets too low." He said as he picked the boy up and carried him out into the woods.

"What is it Killian?" Henry asked as Killian sat down at the table next to him and Regina. "Is Mom okay?"

"Henry, last night, we took your mom to the hospital," Killian paused as Henry and Regina each let out a surprised gasp. "She hadn't felt the baby move for a while and she was worried something was wrong. Henry, the baby died. The doctor said he got a knot in his umbilical cord so he couldn't get any oxygen." Killian knew he should have figured out a way to say it more gently, but it was brutal news, and he couldn't think of a way to say it that would make it less horrific.

"Is she okay?" Henry asked, quickly followed by, "I should go see her."

"Aye, she's alright. She resting at home. She wanted you to stay and enjoy your weekend if you want to," when Henry started to protest, Killian held up his hand. "I think she'd really like to see you if you'd like to come, she just knows how much you were looking forward to this weekend and she didn't want to ruin it."

"Of course my weekend is ruined Killian," Henry started, "but it's not her fault." Killian saw a flash of pain cross his face. "My little brother died last night." Killian felt a wave of affection for the boy overwhelm him and reached his arm out to give him a hug from the side. He allowed himself a brief moment of comfort in the embrace. Regina moved her hand up and down the boy's back. "Really though Killian, how is she?" His eyes were red with threatened tears.

"She's…" Killian paused, trying to think about what Emma was right now, "She's very sad Henry, but I think a hug from you would do her a lot of good."

"Yeah, I'll come right now. I just need to pack my stuff up," He turned to Regina, "That's okay, right Mom?" he asked.

"Of course Henry. Don't worry about packing. I'll get your things. Just go be with Emma." Regina gave her son a full hug and rocked back and forth for a moment.

"Okay, I'm ready then," Henry said.

As Henry stood up, Regina reached across where he'd been sitting and put her hand on Killian's forearm. "I'm so sorry Killian, I can't even imagine."

"Thanks, Regina," Killian said as he stood up and followed after Henry, who was already to the edge of the clearing.

Killian walked beside the boy in a heavy silence. He knew Henry was anxious to see his mother for himself. They walked swiftly back through town and made it back to the loft in good time. Killian was relieved to be back in the building. Relieved to be back where he could be near Emma in case she needed anything.

Killian let Henry lead the way up the stairs to the bedroom. When he walked through the door, he was surprised to see that Emma was not alone. She lay in bed talking quietly with her mother. Killian could see that she'd been up. Her clothes were changed and her face was freshly washed.

"Love, I could have stayed to help you if I'd known you needed it." Killian cringed at the desperation in his voice, he hated that he was so helpless to ease her pain. He was desperate to do anything he could for her.

"It's okay," Emma said quietly as her face colored. "Some things you just need your mom for." Killian saw her eyes flit to the bathroom in embarrassment and he wanted desperately to make her understand that, as far as he is concerned, there is no embarrassment for her in this situation. At the same time, he was very grateful that she had Mary Margaret's help if that's what she preferred. He glanced at the woman in question and saw the same desperate need to be helpful reflected in her eyes.

Henry stood quietly observing Emma until she reached an arm out to him. Another lad his age might think himself too old to cuddle with his mother, but Henry allowed her to pull him down into the bed with her and when she wrapped her arms around him, he returned the gesture with unyielding tenderness.

The boy had grown dramatically in the last year or so and was now taller than his mother. He was starting to look more like a man than a boy and, with Emma's pregnancy, Killian had seen Henry take on the role of protector of his mother; no longer content to just think of her as his invincible Savior. Killian could see that the boy had inherited the tradition of heroism from Emma. It was a trait Killian had hoped to see in his own child.

Mary Margaret got out of the bed almost apologetically and made her way to the door. "I'm sorry, I have to go. David needs to get to the station." Killian noted that she didn't mention needing to tend to Neal, though he knew that's what she meant.

"Aye," Killian agreed, following her out the door. "I'll go pick up some breakfast from Granny's." Food was the last thing on his mind, but he knew Emma needed to have a moment with Henry.

* * *

Having Henry in her arms was more cathartic than Emma could have possibly imagined. She'd been feeling something else along with the new pain of losing her baby. Losing _Liam_, she reminded herself. Ever since she'd been in labor, knowing again that she wouldn't be going home with a baby, she'd had a longing for Henry. She'd felt the old ache of giving him up. She'd needed him to remind her that he was different. She hadn't lost Henry forever. She'd sent him away and he'd been loved and cared for and as much as it still hurt her sometimes, she couldn't regret her decision. _It wasn't the same._ She reminded herself again as she smelled the campfire and forest in his hair.

The growth spurt he'd had in the last year had left him more gangly and awkward than before, and as he lay beside her, all elbows and knees, she couldn't believe that he'd ever been as tiny as little Liam had been. She remembered being pregnant with Henry and wished she hadn't wasted it with sorrow and self-pity. It was the only time she'd had with him, and she'd spent it all trying to pretend it wasn't happening. She hadn't thought she could ever be a mother which seemed so strange to her now, as her arms ached for the babies she would never hold.

"How are you doing?" He asked tentatively, breaking her out of the spiraling vortex of sadness just in the nick of time.

Emma never really talked about her feelings. She would have typically given him a little joke to break the seriousness of the moment, she just couldn't do it right then. She wondered if anything could ever be funny in a world where her son was dead. But she knew that telling a joke wouldn't have worked anyway. Not with how damp his shirt was from her tears.

"I'll be okay Henry," she said after a long pause. She wasn't sure if she was lying or not. "Just you being here is making me feel better already," she added and knew at least that was true.

When he didn't say anything else, she pulled back to look at him. She saw questions and uncertainty in his eyes. "What is it?" she asked, bringing her hand to rest on the side of his head as she studied his face.

"Nothing," he started, but after a pointed look from Emma, he went on. "I just wanted to know what happened," he said before quickly adding, "But you don't have to talk about it."

"It's okay," she replied, hesitating a bit as the memories from the previous night washed over her. "What do you want to know?"

Henry paused, "I don't know," he thought for a second. "Killian said it was a boy?"

She sighed, "Yeah, he was a little boy. We named him Liam. After Killian's brother. Did he tell you that?" When Henry just shook his head, she continued. "The doctors said it was just bad luck. He just twisted around and got his cord tied in a knot. There was nothing they could do, but…" a tiny sob escaped her before she even knew it was coming. "It was all very fast. I don't think he suffered."

"Why did it happen?" he asked quietly, "Did you get hurt? Should we have taken better care of you?"

"Oh Henry, you have been amazing and perfect through this whole thing, and there's nothing you could have done differently. The doctor said sometimes this just happens and there's no reason for it." Somehow saying it to Henry helped ease the knot of guilt that she'd been holding inside of her.

He thought about it for a moment before finally asking "What can I do to help?"

"You're doing it kid," she said before pulling him back into an embrace. They just laid quietly until they heard Killian open the door downstairs. "Will you go ask Killian to help me downstairs to eat breakfast?"

Glad to have a task, Henry got up and went downstairs to meet Killian.

* * *

The rest of the day moved desperately slowly. In the early afternoon, they'd received the promised call from the funeral home and decided on a quiet burial with just the family. It would take place the next morning. Emma, almost for the first time, wished they were in the Enchanted Forest, if only to have family to bury him with. Ultimately, they decided to lay him by Johanna, Mary Margaret's former maid, and dear friend. It was a very small graveyard and Emma wasn't sure if it was appropriate to take comfort in the proximity of Neal and Graham as well, but she felt it all the same.

After the phone call, Emma felt the weight of everything bearing down on her and she decided that she was too exhausted to stay up and so she went back to bed. She was embarrassed by how clingy she was feeling, but she couldn't stop herself from asking them to keep her company. From then on, she always had either Killian or Henry in her presence. She recognized that not too long ago, she would have been extremely annoyed to have them babysitting her, and she thought maybe she'd feel that later, but for the time being, she was feeling loneliness all the way down to her soul and she needed them.

Flowing in and out of awareness, she vaguely knew that it eventually got dark outside and that it got light again after that, but she was shocked to find her mother nudging her awake, telling her it was time to get ready for the burial. How long had she slept for? Mary Margaret told her that Killian and Henry and David had gone down to finalize some of the arrangements and that they would meet them there.

A combination of way too much sleep and even more sorrow left Emma feeling like she was in a mental fog and after a minute, Mary Margaret seemed to understand that Emma wasn't going to move on her own and so she pulled her out of bed. Emma let her mother lead her to the bathroom and sat on the toilet as she turned the shower on. Emma couldn't believe that she was still tired, but she was. Her bed was still beckoning her back to its comfort and safety. If she could just go back to sleep, she wouldn't have to face this day.

She realized that her mother had been talking to her, but she'd missed every word. She knew from the way Mary Margaret was tilting her head that she was really starting to worry her. Emma tried to pull her thoughts into order, but the task was difficult and she couldn't bring herself to care that much. Finally, Mary Margaret gave up on whatever she'd said and instead she pulled Emma to her feet and began to pull her pajamas off of her like she was a child.

Mary Margaret helped Emma into the shower which snapped her to attention so that she was able to focus enough to wash her hair while her mother went and found her something to wear. She got dressed without really caring what she was wearing and then let Mary Margaret fuss over her hair and makeup for a few minutes and before she even knew what was happening, they were driving out to the graveyard.

There was a small group of people waiting for them when they pulled up. There was David, Killian and Henry of course and also, Red and Granny and Regina and Robin. They each greeted her with a hug. She had a little trouble letting go of Henry, but Killian was the one she was most concerned about. He looked bone tired and she wondered when the last time he slept was. She knew that he'd been holding her for most of the night, but judging by his appearance, she doubted he'd slept much. But more than that, he seemed withdrawn from her.

She knew she didn't have time to think about it there, so she just held fast to his hand as they walked into the cemetery and toward where she could see Blue standing with a few other fairies standing behind her. As they came over the crest of the hill, Emma could see the tiny white coffin and her knees almost buckled. He was in there.

Emma knew that the only thing keeping her together through the short service was the need to keep Henry from seeing her fall apart any worse than he already had. She knew that their relationship had changed in recent months, but she still needed him to know that she was strong. Only at the very end of the ceremony did she waver. They were getting ready to lower the coffin into the ground and she just had to check.

"Wait!" she called out and saw all of the pitying eyes fall on her as everyone stopped and waited. She reached out to the coffin and laid her hand on top. She just needed to know if he was in there. She let her magic flow through her hand and felt it fill the coffin. With her magic, she could see the baby's tiny body, but it was dark. The little light she'd felt for the last few months was gone. Relieved, she knew that she could let them bury her son's body as long as his soul wasn't in there. But the assurance brought an even more agonizing question to her mind. Had his soul moved on to somewhere else or had it simply turned off like a light when he died?

Realizing that she was just delaying the inevitable, Emma removed her hand from the coffin and backed up into Killian's waiting arms. He held her upright as they watched their son's body get lowered into the ground and covered with earth. In that moment, through her grief and agony, she felt her own soul fuse to Killian's. They were Liam's parents and since he died before anyone got a chance to know him, it was up to Emma and Killian to keep him in their hearts.

* * *

**Okay, that's it for Chapter 2, super sad, but we have nowhere to go but up, right? Let's hope. The next chapter should offer some more in the way of hopefulness. Please do let me know what you think so far!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, here's another installment, this one is a little more hopeful than the last ones I think. I made Blue a little blunt, but she's like that on the show a lot so I hope she doesn't come off as mischaracterized. Let me know what you think of that and everything else. Thanks!**

* * *

**14 Weeks Pregnant**

Emma had reached her breaking point. She and Killian had moved into their new loft less than 2 weeks ago and for the past week he'd spent almost all of his free time out on the Jolly Rodger. He said the ship just needed some maintenance, but she couldn't help but feel like he was avoiding her. They'd been spending most of their nights together for a while, but she thought maybe the act of moving into their own place had just been too much. He'd spent hundreds of years being the captain of his own ship, maybe he didn't like the idea of having to share the helm.

She'd been sitting around the apartment alone since she got off work. Henry was at Regina's and Killian had said he was spending the day working on the ship. Deciding that she wasn't just going to sit around feeling sorry for herself, Emma got up and decided to go see what was so important on the Jolly.

As she walked, she got angrier and angrier. So by the time she was climbing the gangplank, she was ready to fight. "Killian!" she shouted as she looked around at the mess on the deck. There were boards strewn all about and various tools. Clearly whatever he was working on, he _was_ actually putting a lot of work into the old ship. "Killian!" she shouted again as she began to make her way to the lower level toward the hammering sounds she'd heard when she first came aboard.

Before she made it through the doorway to the lower level, Killian popped up and held his hand out to block her path with what he clearly thought was a casual air. "Hello Love," he said somewhat nervously. "What brings you by?"

That was enough for Emma, she snapped. "Excuse me?" Emma asked incredulously. "Are you kidding me? What 'brings me by'?" she was gesturing wildly and not giving him the opportunity to answer any of her rapid-fire questions. "Look, Killian, if you don't want to be with me, just say it."

Killian looked dumbfounded, "What are you talking about?" he asked confusedly. What the hell was even happening?

"We've barely just moved in together and you're already avoiding me, Killian," As quickly as her anger formed, it fled and she left with a deep sadness. Emma internally cursed her hormones as she felt herself starting to cry. "You don't have to just be with me for the baby if it's not what you want. I'll still let you see him. Don't just say you want to be with me and then avoid me."

Killian deflated like a balloon. "What are you talking about?" he asked again as he reached out to touch her damp cheek. "Emma? Love?" he paused as she sniffled. "Of course I want to be with you. It's all I've wanted since I first laid eyes on you."

"Then why are you avoiding me?" she asked, hating how weak she sounded. This pregnancy was turning her into one of _those _women. The weepy, whiny ones who couldn't live without a man. She wasn't sure if it was the pregnancy or just the natural development of their relationship or some combination of things, but all she wanted was to be near him. All of the time. Clearly it had driven him off.

"Oh Love, I'm not avoiding you," he said pulling her into a hug and rubbing her back. "I just wanted to surprise you, but it's not worth this. Come on, I'll show you what I've been working on." She let him pull her below deck. "Now you'll have to use your imagination because it's still a work in progress, but I think you'll be able to get the gist."

First, he took her to the door to his quarters, she'd been there a hundred times, but was not prepared for what she found on the other side of the door. The whole room was changed, it was beautiful. He'd cleared out the desk and put in a much larger bed. There was a small workstation in the corner, but it looked much more like a bedroom than it ever had before. The bed was only half built and there was no mattress on it, but she could see that he'd already put in a lot of hard work. "I wanted you to be comfortable here if we ever want to go for a trip. Kind of like a vacation cottage." His vulnerability was what finally won her over. He desperately wanted her to like the ship.

"Killian," she bit her lip as she looked at him. "I love it, but you don't have to change your ship for me, I loved it before too."

"I know you did love, but I didn't change it for you. I changed it for _us_." At her quizzical look, he continued, "I'm in this for the long haul Emma. I don't plan on ever going back to the way I was. You're it for me and if I'm not going to be captaining a pirate ship, I don't need a ship captain's quarters. We're a family now. You, me, Henry and this baby and I want this ship to be a place for my family."

Emma wanted to be mad at herself for crying again, but she was pretty sure she would have been crying even if she weren't pregnant. Emma could see this for what it was, a commitment from Killian. He fully meant it when he said he planned to be with her forever.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by Killian tugging her out of the room. "Come on Love, I'll show you the rest."

"There's more?" she asked breathlessly as he pulled her over to the First Mate's Quarters and pushed open the door. It was in a similar state as the Captain's quarters, but instead of one large bed, there were two twin beds.

"I thought this room would be for Henry, and a friend if he likes. Or if your parents came out with us, we could push the beds together for them to share." He pulled her along to the crew quarters. There were the frames of two sets of bunk beds. "I thought this would be for the kids. I'm working on refinishing the floors too, so there aren't any splinters. My men were rough on this room over the years."

"Kids?" Emma asked with her eyebrows raised. "As in plural?"

Killian's eyes dropped as he realized that he'd said too much. "Well…" he started embarrassedly, "I just thought, our little lad would need a playmate," he smiled shyly, "or two."

"Really?" Emma was just getting used to one baby, now she had to wrap her brain around the idea of two or three?

Killian rushed to explain, "Well, I just thought about how important my brother was to me when I was young. We had a rough time growing up, but we always had each other and we were so much better off." Emma thought of her own lonely childhood and considered how it would have been different if she'd had a sibling. She couldn't deny that some of the ache of her childhood would have been soothed by a sister or brother.

Killian held her hand as she looked over the room. She could see it clearly in her mind, the room finished, the children pattering around as she and Killian tried to wrangle them into bed. It was a beautiful picture of a family that she'd never dared to hope for and Killian was offering it to her on a platter. She started to cry again in earnest. "Oh Love, we don't have to have more children if you don't want to. The baby will already have the best brother he could ask for in Henry." Killian tried to sooth her.

"It's not that," she sniffled, "I think more kids could be amazing. I was just thinking about how alone I was when I was a kid and how all I ever wanted was to have a home. Now we have two." She pulled him into a passionate kiss.

Emma kept kissing Killian even as he tried to pull back and slow things down. "Love," he said with ragged breath, "As much as I'd love for this to continue, I've recently, very stupidly, removed all of the beds from this ship."

He planned to take her home and continue where they left off, but she had other ideas. She pulled him back to the Captain's quarters and waved her hand over the room. The room instantly transformed into a finished version of what had previously only been half-formed. "Oh gods, why didn't I think of that?" he asked, both pleased and chagrined. He didn't have time to contemplate the changes any further though because Emma was pulling him to the comfortable looking bed.

* * *

**Present day**

Emma stayed in bed for a week. Physically, her body was healing which contributed to her lethargy, but more than that, Emma was having trouble finding herself. She knew who she was supposed to be; how she was supposed to feel. She was supposed to be the invincible Savior. The tough-as-nails former bail bondsperson. She knew that she had to bounce back from this, but she just couldn't figure out how.

On the morning of the 7th day, Emma decided that there was no good way to start moving on, but she knew she had no choice. Life had already started moving again without her. Henry had gone back to school. With Emma out for at least a couple of weeks, David had needed Killian's help at the sheriff's station. Even Mary Margaret was back to work. On that morning, she pulled herself out of bed determined to take her life back.

The problem was, once she was out of bed she had nothing to do. Once she showered and got dressed, she was out of ideas. She started the coffee pot and then just stood there and watched it percolate. She was used to having demands for her attention coming from all sides. She thought about going down to the Sheriff's station, but she knew that she wasn't really up to working yet. She decided to just go for a walk to work on getting her strength back up and then she'd surprise Killian and David with Lunch.

On her way out the door, she stopped to grab her red leather jacket. With a pang of sorrow, she realized that it fit again. She hadn't been able to zip it for months. Needing more than ever to get out of the loft and out of her head, she picked up her keys and walked out the door.

Once on her walk, she realized that she hadn't really thought of where she would go. She decided to swing past the school first, to see if she'd catch sight of Henry or Mary Margaret. She shook her head at her choice. She still wasn't quite ready to be alone, she realized. She strolled slowly past the school, but there was no one to be seen. The schoolyard was filled with a pre-lunchtime silence.

Just as well, she figured. She hadn't really had a plan for if she'd found them anyway. She rounded the corner from the school and saw Blue standing on the Church steps. Emma wasn't sure that she was ready to face the fairy. The last time she'd seen her was at Liam's funeral, but they'd already made eye contact and Emma knew it was too late to turn and walk away.

The sympathy in Blue's eyes made Emma feel exposed and guilty. She wasn't sure she deserved anyone's sympathy. Blue embraced Emma as they met at the bottom of the steps. "How are you holding up?" she asked kindly.

Emma tried to tell the fairy that she was okay, but instead she started sobbing on her shoulder. "I'm sorry," she sniffed, trying to pull herself together.

"Emma, you have nothing to be sorry about. You've suffered a tragedy," Blue said as she continued to hold the crying woman. "Let's sit and talk." She pulled them both down until they were sitting in the steps. "Emma, I want you to know that after something like this happens, it's normal to doubt yourself. It's normal to feel guilt."

Emma was stunned for a second. She felt the bottom drop out of her stomach. How did she know? The question must have showed on her face because Blue just continued speaking in a soothing voice. "You don't have to pretend with me, I can feel the pain and guilt radiating off of you." Emma just cried harder.

"I can't stop thinking about it." Emma started to explain. "When I was pregnant with Henry, I wished every day that it wasn't happening. I was so convinced that I could never be a mother. I'm afraid that somehow I caused this to happen with Liam. Maybe I cursed myself without realizing it. I didn't know about my magic back then, but it still existed." The crushing weight of the statement threatened to overwhelm her. "Do you think that could be what happened?"

"Emma look at me," Blue put her hands on Emma's shoulders and turned her so they were face to face. "These are normal feelings you're having. When bad things happen, it makes us feel powerless and that's terrifying so we invent reasons why we caused it to happen. It returns our sense of control over the world around us. It's a natural reaction, but it's not the truth. Emma, you can't have cursed yourself to never be a mother. First, because that's just not how magic works and, second, because you already are a mother. To Henry and to Liam. You didn't deserve to lose your son Emma. No one deserves that." Emma let the words wash over her for a moment. She couldn't form a response. After a moment of silence, Blue continued, "If you need a reason for something, think of reasons for his life, not his death. He wasn't with you for long, but I can see you're changed by him. Think of that."

Emma couldn't take it anymore. The pain was too much. Talking about it was too much. After what she hoped was a polite farewell to Blue, she got up and continued walking. She was emotionally wrecked and she needed to escape. She knew what Blue said about her guilt made sense, but knowing it and feeling it were two different things and she still felt the guilt all the way down to her soul. And then Blue had tried to tell her to put a positive spin on this? The idea made her feel physically ill. Her baby was dead. There was nothing positive about that.

Emma suddenly realized that she was walking down a pretty busy sidewalk. The lunch rush had begun. People were looking at her and she felt suffocated by their gazes. She needed to escape, but to go back to the loft would mean walking straight into the middle of town. There were just too many people. She turned and ran in the opposite direction.

* * *

Killian left the sheriff's station at a little after three o'clock. It had been the routine for the past week. He went over to Granny's and picked up a late lunch for Emma and a snack for Henry and went to wait for the school bus. He hated leaving Emma alone all day, but David needed his help at the station and Killian just couldn't shake the feeling that he was only making things worse by hovering over her all day. Still, he knew that it wasn't likely that she'd eaten since the breakfast bar he'd left on the nightstand for her.

As they arrived at the loft, Henry started digging into the bag from Granny's looking for his French fries. "I'm going to go see if your mom wants to come down to eat," Killian said, trying to keep the worry out of his voice. It had only been a week and if she needed to rest for a while, he'd make sure she got what she needed.

He got to their bedroom and realized that something was off. The bed was empty and the door to the bathroom was ajar. To be sure, he turned the corner and checked the bathroom, she wasn't in there. He went back downstairs to look around. To Henry's quizzical glance he replied, "She's not here."

"What?" Henry asked with surprise and not a little worry. "Did you try calling her?"

"Not yet, but I will now," Killian responded while pulling his phone from his pocket. He quickly pushed the Emma button and waited for her to answer. Back in the bedroom, he heard the telltale sound of Emma's phone ringing. Wherever she was, she'd left her phone behind.

"I'll go check to see if she's at Grandma and Grandpa's," Henry said as he walked out the door and across the hall.

Killian just stood there for a moment trying to convince himself that everything was fine. Just because she wasn't home, didn't mean she left him. He took one last look around the loft and then walked across the hall.

"She's not over here either," Henry said as he walked in. Killian could see the worried looks on Emma's parent's faces.

"We should go look for her," Snow said.

"You don't think it's a little soon to send out a search party?" Killian asked. "It might just make her feel smothered." The past week had shifted Killian off his axis and he was so worried about making the wrong move with Emma.

"None of us have even seen her since this morning," David said, "We don't even know how long she's been gone and with the way she's been this last week, I think we need to go find her."

With both her parents on board, Killian knew that the decision was made. He tried to think about where she could possibly be.

"David and I will check Granny's and in town, Killian you check your ship and out by the docks and Henry you wait here in case she comes back." Leave it to Snow to already have a plan. With that decided, everyone started to move to their assigned duty.

Killian walked out to the docks with a feeling of dread. He'd been avoiding his ship for the past week since they lost the baby. They'd had so much hope when they worked on updating the ship. He couldn't help thinking of the ship as a physical reminder of a future that wouldn't be.

He took his time looking around the docks avoiding the ship as long as possible. Then, when there were no more obvious places to look around the docks, he reluctantly climbed the gangplank. He could see the changes they'd made as soon as he was on the deck. There was a picnic table and lounging chairs up top for them to use when they were taking voyages. They'd also put up railings and implemented other features to make the deck safer for children. The cannons were just for show now. The ladder to the crow's nest had a cover over the bottom rungs. They'd given the floors a good polishing as well. The Jolly was looking lovely and Killian couldn't help the pang of sorrow as he looked around. What if he ended up living alone on his ship again?

He went below deck and looked in the Captain's quarters, but she wasn't there. He did a cursory check of the rest of the ship starting with Henry's room and the updated Galley then, when there was no more avoiding it, he stepped into the children's room and looked around. That's where he found her. On the bottom bunk of one of the beds tracing an anchor that they'd painted on the wall so lost in thought that she hadn't even noticed he was on board.

She started when he called out to her, but she turned around and graced him with a small smile. She reached her arms out in a way that was clearly beckoning him to come hold her in the small bed. He was quick to oblige. As he lay down next to her, she buried her face in his neck and wrapped her arms around his back and hummed a little in contentment. "Love, are you okay? We've been looking all over for you. You left your phone at the loft."

Emma pulled back a little to look at his face, still keeping them in very close contact. Their noses were almost touching and they were breathing the same air. She looked a little guilty as she started to speak. "I'm sorry, I was going to surprise you with lunch at the station, but I ran into Blue on the way and she just said something to me and it freaked me out a little and I just had to get out of there," she explained. "There were too many people on the street and they were all looking at me with this look like they all knew and it was just too much. Sometimes I hate living in a town where everyone knows me." He could see that she was embarrassed to admit how much she was affected by the town's gossip mill.

"Love, you don't have to be embarrassed, people should mind their own business," Killian shook his head a little as he felt anger towards the town. Then, he sent a quick text message to Henry letting him know that Emma was on the ship and that they'd be home soon. "Do you want to tell me what Blue said that got you so upset?"

"I was too lost to see it right away, but I've been thinking about it and I think I get what she was saying now," Emma paused for a moment to gather her thoughts. "She told me to stop focusing on the tragedy of Liam's death and start thinking about the positive things that came from his life. At first I was mad, because he never got to have a life and because I felt like maybe it was a betrayal to him to have gotten anything positive from him when he died before I ever got to give him anything back." She stopped and grabbed his hand and checked to see how he was reacting. He was just curious to know where the story would go. She seemed more at ease than she had this whole week. "I got to the ship and I was looking around and I realized that he gave us so much and the real betrayal is ignoring what a gift he was while we had him. Look at this ship and look at our loft, these are homes we created for him, but he also created them for us. He made us a family Killian; me and you. He made me see how beautiful it would be to have children with you. He bound us together forever. That isn't a tragedy, it's a miracle. He was a miracle."

They were both quietly weeping by the time she finished her speech. Killian held her tight and wept without shame. He was so relieved that she felt that way, he'd spent the whole week worried that she wouldn't want him anymore, but she was just as committed as he was. They were still a family. He would always have a hole in his heart for his little boy, but now he was sure there wouldn't be one for Emma and Henry and their family as well. He didn't know what to say so he simply said, "I love you, Emma," and they were silent for a long while after that.

"Killian, I have a favor to ask," Emma said, pulling back again to look at his eyes.

"Anything, Love," he responded while rubbing his hand over her back.

"Could we go out sailing? I need to get out of the loft for a little while, but I just don't think I'm ready for all of those people around me. Maybe you me and Henry could just take off for a long weekend or something?" She asked hopefully.

"Of course Love, I'll go back and get us packed up and then we can stay here tonight and set sail in the morning," he thought getting away for a bit was an inspired idea.

"Okay, but don't leave just yet though," She said as she snuggled back into him.

"No, of course not, Love," he settled in and held her close. They were going to be okay.

* * *

**More to come if you want! Let me know if you liked this chapter or if you think there's anything wrong too. Thanks!**


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